SEX IN COURTSHIP: DEWUNMI & I

Someone sent me this:

"Good evening Ma. This question is based on what I saw in your post, and the answer to it would really help me as a believer.

You said you courted for five years, please Ma what was your Emotional feelings towards your spouse like In those five years?"

She wanted to know whether we had high sexual chemistry and how we were able to handle it.

Some singles have directly or indirectly asked me similar question, they were really astonished we courted that long, yet had no sex.

I'm always apalled, surprised, flabbergasted and highly disappointed in today's youths when they talk about the difficulty they face in handling sexual temptations and how it was difficult to say NO to their sexual partners. Some had sex so much, they could not count the number of abortions they had for their fiance. it makes me wander whether all they are born to do with their lives is have sex.

Listen, there is no big deal courting for 5 years without sex, nothing special about it at all. My late mentor, Pastor Bimbo Odukoya, courted her husband for that long and no sex before marriage, she married as a virgin. Her daughter, Tolu, courted her extremely handsome husband for 14 solid years, she did not have sex till the wedding night, she married as a virgin. Bishop Oyedepo courted his wife for 6 years, yet no sex was involved. Both married as virgins. I can keep counting but time will not permit me.

Great, exceptional, uncommon couples who are role models and worth emulating have a good control of their sex life, they didn't do hasty courtship because they LACK SELF CONTROL, go through a stormy marriage they didn't plan well for, get enmeshed in series of affairs and divorce as quick!

Back to Dewunmi and I, the attraction was not based on the body but mutual beliefs and goal so we were not thinking about sex at all from the beginning. I was attracted to his brain and demeanor. He was a brilliant student, cool headed and morally sound! He was attracted to my charisma, brilliance, intelligence and popularity. We struck off on that note. We were very good friends, we talked a lot. Eventually we became the best of friends on campus. Everyone knew we were courting yet we were shaking our departments. Almost all my results in my department were 'A's yet I was courting! My worst results were 'B's. In every course and department, we were among the toppers. We were busy challenging each other mentally, spiritually and academically, we had no time for sex. He ensured I attended fellowship regularly helped me with handouts because I could not afford any. We were busy! We were not idle! It is when you have nothing doing you will think about sex all the time. We see each other virtually everyday yet  we were flying in our academics and were spiritually sound!

When you meet and see each other, what do you talk about? If there is nothing to talk about except your beautiful face or trim body, you will have sex!

For a long time, I thought I wasn't sexually attractive to my fiance because he would not talk about my body. That was not his focus. His focus was my vision, dreams and goals, he talked about those all the time.

Now, to the sexual side, was there no sexual attraction? Of course there was!  That was around 4 years after knowing each other, it wasn't a quick thing, it was slow, after graduation and he had become a bachelor while I was a spinster. We had merged mentally, spiritually, socially and eventually, the body was demanding to be merged as well, it was then we decided to get married.

Both I and my husband made a vow, seperately before we ever met each other that we would never have sex in courtship.

Hubby said he told God, he would only propose to one woman who will be his wife and that is the only woman he will ever have sex with. He has kept his vow. No matter the temptation, we knew sex was not an option. Personally, I didn't see any sense opening up to him when he has not paid my dowry. I see it as a slap on my father's face and I would never honour him if he ever did that. Because I loved him so much and wants to honour, respect and submit to him forever, I ensured just as he has determined as well, that we would not have sex till we get married.

Some counsellors are advocating six months courtship so you won't fall into sexual temptation. There claim is you can't know everything about a person so why waste your time?

You are going to spend at least 40 years in marriage! Why close your eyes and jump into marriage with a person you barely know? It's the reason many are getting divorced today. You need at least 2 years to do a careful study of the person you want to marry, find out about their dreams and goals, let them exhaust their character so you can see their strengths and weaknesses and see how you can live with them and also verify whether you have truly heard from God.

Courtship is a period of discovering your partner, developing friendship and planning for your future together why get hasty? Jesus said, "Which of you intending to BUILD a TOWER will not FIRSTLY SIT DOWN and COUNT the COST...." If you want to build a hut, you can quickly rush it, you don't need to count any cost because it won't last anyway but if it is a great building, a tower, something like  a 100 storey building, you've got some sitting down, cost counting and planning to do and that takes time! A great marriage takes careful planning!

Even if you court for 3 months, if you can't control your sex drive, you will still commit adultery in marriage. Millions of marriages all over the world are haunted with such vice. People jump into marriage hoping it cures their lust then they discover, their spouse can't solve a peoblem that only Jesus can solve, disatisfied, they jump into the street, having sex with anything in skirt or trouser...may the Lord have mercy on them...

That is my testimony. Our first sex together was on the wedding night. The fear of God kept us. We both loved the Lord with all our hearts and did not want to disobey Him.

The fear of the lord still keeps us. I face more sexual temptation from men out there as a married woman than I was a single person but the fear of the Lord still keeps me and him...my husband is the most sexually pure person I have ever met in my life. I really love and admire him so much. He is my role model, mentor and best friend. I really want to sacrifice my life for him. Marriage with him is best thing that ever happened to me. I thank God I said yes to his proposal and waited for marriage. That is my testimony...cheers!
© Seun Oladele, 2017.